Friday, March 01, 2024

Unconditional Love - On Death


The last death I experienced in my family was that of Baba. It transformed me in many ways. I was so consumed by it that I did not have much time for anything else. Last week when Papa passed away could see the reaction from family, neighbors and his friends.

Unconditional love from the neighbors kept us going for 4 days. They had lived in that house for almost 50 years and most neighbors were like extended family. Although I must say in last 25 years when the children grew, got educated and moved away - things were not the same. But now, nothing mattered - starting from morning tea to night dinner everything kept coming without any questions asked. We had to push back after 3 days so we could start our kitchen.


His friends most of them at late 70’s and early 80’s were at peace and there was a a glow in their face of done what they could and basking in the glory / end of a journey. Most of them had ailments, brain surgery - heart - surgery - arthritis, but none were complaining at that point. In one of the auntie mentioned that they were like dry leaves on a tree. They can fall / called anytime. I will never forget their smile and calmness. I had only read something similar in books or seen in movies, but this was real - in flesh and blood.


I wanted to record this - because unconditional love is usually not found and we found it in a very unexpected place and time. 


This is something even fire cannot take away from us.


Saturday, February 03, 2024

The visceral connection

Amitav Ghosh - Imam and Indian

Sometimes you feel the visceral connection to someone, it can be someone who accompanied you in your travel overnight and then moved on. Sometimes it’s a movie / song video which seem to have created exactly what you could have visualized or the passage above by Amitava Ghosh from his book “Imam and the Indian” - Prose Notes / essays.


Barsaati’s (although he does not use the word here) was a common theme / occupational hazards of bachelors staying in Delhi. It was like the Indian version of gypsy culture - post college, first job, lowly paid but dreamer and idealistic in their views about society, friendship with women and rebellious of course. Portrayed in many movies this was the romantic notion we grew up reading and probably emulated when we joined job.


The sketch up of the above is explained in a much more nuanced way by Amitava that as I was reading I could visualize a multi verse of young writers staying in these catacombs and communicating at night, exchanging ideas and thoughts and traveling through the verse. All these at night as they continue their day job.


Writers can be such a great inspiration - Just reading it you feel like ‘Gosh If only I could write like this. 


Another sprint starts 🙂


Sunday, January 14, 2024

The Absurd & The Real = Life

I saw 2 movies - one absurd & one real - both by master storytellers. 


Aki Kaurismaki
directed ‘Leningrad Cowboys Go America’ is a story of a struggling Siberian rock band leaves home in the lonely tundra to tour the United States because, as they’re told, “they’ll buy anything there.” The musicians bravely venture across the States, carrying a bandmate and some beer in a coffin, and sporting hairdos resembling unicorn horns.


For somebody to even think of a plot like this you have to be really super mad but executing or giving shape to it the production design is a crazy. You just have to see the poster to understand the hard work needed to keep the hair in the form of unicorn 😂. There is no story, it’s just a band traveling from manhattan to mexico and doing small gigs earning money which the manager keeps for himself. Like old black and white silent movies, a black slide comes in between and mentions a chapter title. It’s absurd but you can miss it.




Raging Bull By Martin Scorsese 

The last 3 lines of the review below captures my feeling after seeing the movie -When I first saw Raging Bull, I came out of the cinema simultaneously exhausted and yet supercharged with energy, as if I could throw buses across the street. It still makes me feel like that”


Made in 19 80 in monochrome it’s a masterclass in all departments of movie making. Growing up on staple Rocky series and posters, all of us were big fans of Sly. I had a huge poster of Rocky in my room and everytime I would look at it I would feel ‘Yes I can also win”. 


But Raging Bull which is based on Jake La Motta (person and book) a middle weight champion of 19 40’s has more to do with his psychotic personality and his downfall and less with boxing. Yes boxing is integral to this story but so is his personal life where he loses out on his brother - both leave him and go and ends up running a club doing funny acts & then jailed. Especially because of monochrome it has that 19 40’s / 50’s touch. 


https://www.theguardian.com/film/2023/apr/12/raging-bull-review-still-packs-a-punch-like-no-boxing-movie-before-or-since 


Both the movies reflect my life which is having too many of raging bull moments and very less of Leningard Cowboy moments but I guess just like the movies it will pass.



Mr. Jones

For 2 - 3 nights after I watched Mr. Jones, the imaged which were like B&W photographs kept floating in front of me. Shots of snow fields stretched till your eyes could see or just a tree or houses in snow - but stark like made out of logs. The place - Russia / Ukraine. Movies have a way of transporting you to a world so you can experience it sitting in your living room. Beautifully shot, especially the Ukrainian part this movie was like postcards stitched together.

The story is about a welsh journalist who visits Russia and wants to report about the great famine raging in much of USSR particularly Kazakisthan & Ukraine. A famine which Moscow was trying to conceal and the primary cause for it was the collectivization of land / farming. Known as Holdomor (you can google the word) this was the only eye witness account of someone who had visited these parts of Russia. These states were targeted specifically also because they did not want to bow to Moscow. There were lot of discussion in terming this as genocide. 


House in Ukraine
But that is just a political nomenclature issue, the film showcases the suffering of the people of Ukraine. People dying because there is nothing to eat. In one of the scenes Mr. Jones enters a house which is absolutely normal, there are empty plates and utensils, and when he goes inside the bedroom there are 2 old couple lying in the bed fully dressed and under the cover - dead. In another scene people start eating bark of the tree as that is the only thing available in knee deep snow.


This was in 1933 - we are in 2023 and It’s like a deja vu. Almost 100 years later the same thing is repeated in Ukraine (& Gaza). Simply as an unaware political guy I am only shocked that millions of people died last time and again millions will die for land and control. I don’t even want to understand or do something about it. I just turn my face away.


But death of millions - it’s something difficult to turn away. But I do, we have to move on and do our bit and my bit was to clear the empty plastic bottle lying in the walkway and make the road litter free.



Friday, January 12, 2024

Korean Seduction


For almost a year, my elder daughter & my wife have become K-Drama buddies. They exchange notes on what to see, actors and some time binge together. I always looked at it with distaste - Gosh how can someone see these. From someone who see’s MUBI and makes list of what movies to see, what can you expect. 

This December with the entire family together at on place (which was possible for only 10 days) the girls decided to watch start up. Nopes not me was my refrain as the Korean sounds enveloped my house. 


Dinner time is family time so I ended up catching glimpses of the series “START-UP” which they were seeing. And slowly over 10 days I got the gist of the story and saw a few episodes for bonding but also for what I would call ‘harmless viewing’ / ‘relaxation’ / de-stressing. It was sweet and touching with boys crying, neat and clean kids with good manner & loving and caring parents, neat and clean cities, lots of fun moments, Korean sing-song sound which is quite sleepy / pleasing to your ears. It’s like Betaab or Papa kehte hain or Jo jeeta woh sikandar minus the villains.


You come out feeling all good and a heart full of love.


I could understand now why my daughter would see it for an hr after a strenuous day at work before she goes to sleep or how my wife would see it while knitting. I guess it is there way and I guess millions of people in India of destressing.


Postscript: Well, someone actually wrote this. LOL 😀

https://victoriaenrose.medium.com/3-valuable-lessons-from-the-korean-drama-start-up-12e44b07e9ee


Awakin Reading & Reflection (1)


Tale Of The Ringless Ring - Thomas Moore

Nasrudin was a spiritual leader and teacher in a small village. He was honored and respected as a mullah, although he was rather unusual and unpredictable.

One day a man of great virtue in the village came to Nasrudin with some news. "My business requires that I move to a town far away, and I regret that I have to leave our beautiful village and the benefits of having you as a spiritual guide and teacher," he said to Nasrudin.

The honored teacher looked sad and said, "I'm very sorry to see you go. I hope you can stay in touch with us, with me."

"I don't know what it will mean to live far away," the man said. "But I had an idea. I have long admired the beautiful ring you wear on the finger of your right hand, and I thought, if you were to give me that ring, every time I looked at my hand and saw that ring I'd think of you."

Now, Nasrudin had his virtues and his ordinary vices. One thing he did not like to do is to part with things that were precious to him.

"I have a better idea," he said. "Why don't I keep my ring. Then, every day you look at your hand and see that my ring is not there, you will think of me." 

—---

This is a perfect story of emptiness. Instead of seeing something, you see nothing, and that nothing is meaningful. The townsman's attitude is standard: He is about to lose touch with this teacher, so he looks for something. This is how we deal with change and loss. We look for something, anything, to fill the gap.

But Nasrudin is wiser than he looks. He demonstrates the importance of wit and humor in paradoxical teachings. He comes up with a better idea, seeing value in the potential for emptiness he notices in his neighbor. He also perceives that by introducing nothingness in a positive way, he advances the teacher-student relationship. The empty, ringless, unnoticeable finger is the perfect solution.

This leads to broader questions: What place does emptiness have in our relationships? Is it better sometimes not to have physical signs of closeness and love? Is it good to doubt your beloved's devotion to you? Do the things we use to express our love get in the way? You give an expensive gift on an anniversary or on Valentine's Day. Would it be better to find a non gift, an empty gift, one that doesn't cost much or doesn't cost anything, that is not traditional, that has no obvious message? 

My reflections:

On gifting: With my anniversary coming up in 15 days, This was a nice question to explore.

My entire family is some form believes in sustainability (read less consumption / buying / avoiding plastic etc). When my younger one came back from Germany and my wife returned from Jaipur after a long stay & last year when my daughter came back from Norway - none of them got any physical thing (like dress which they got for my other members of family) - the only thing all 3 of them got for me was food / drinks. I loved it (the special jam from Norway & the special Christmas drink / beer Germans have)because I have enough dress to wear. But it was easy for them because I donate more and buy nothing - which they have seen me doing. Also I guess because I am a man. My wife their mom loved the jackets and other dresses she bought and wore it the very same day. Most girls are very possessive about what they wear. Both my girls cupboards are filled with dresses which they wore in some function or has their name in it. 

In conclusion - for me a physical gift is a must for the women(s) in my life now that both are officially adult kids. 

On emptiness in relationship / physical signs of closeness & love:

I think we have lot of it now a days especially after mobile came our way, we are occupied with them for horse which anyway create emptiness between 2 person & then thanks to WFH the line between work and office blurred many years back. The only time we can really talk is our morning walk & pillow talk which we are trying to synchronize. I think age is a BIG factor in this case as younger couple have more things to do together because they have more energy and want to explore things together. At our age our energy & need to explore is driven more by occasion than a burning need. When we were young we were out most weekends with kids on toe but now kids wanna go out so we toe the line. Couple are more accustomed to each other / their habits / there is a set routine/pattern to life - yes it leads to emptiness at times but there is always that understanding that - we are like this only.


Acceptance is the virtue we commit to with time.  


Postscript: These readings are shared with me every week as I am part of the service space network.

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Momentary Disability: Mindfulness


Joyee - Germany Trip,
Note from A Buddhist Friend

I have been reading on mindfulness for 10 years but serious practicing I did for last 6 months +. That too: guided meditation & journaling daily. 


And one epiphany which stuck me few days back while my journaling (in fact before that) 


“It’s not about falling / having a bad phase / fight whatever is pulling you down, it’s about getting back and walking”


If I can do that I am good. For a long time in my life my focus has alway been Why did it happen ? Be methodical and rational my logic was if I know Why ? I can prevent future fall. 


I have been listening to the same guided meditation for 6 months now - like everything else after sometime it becomes the same words. Interesting thing is that many times (maybe depending on my mood and need) I always discover something new & sometime after I had an experience these words float in front of me. As if my mind has internalized these messages.


Today I am happy that I got up and able to pour out my mind in these random notes.


Momentary Disability : Farewell - Nai Nai

In the middle of my black hole experience I saw Farewell. Hoping that the buzz in my ear will go because of my complete absorption into a heartwarming movie. It didn’t 😣

But I came out with a beautiful feeling of hope and survival and the meaning of true happiness. Its a Indie movie by Lulu Wang which became a slow hit in 20 19 after it’s Sundance release. I saw it in MUBI. There are few parallel themes of displacement and eastern & western philosophy of death & afterlife / respect for those who passed away. Generational conflict. And of course dealing with cancer.


The movie revolves around Nai Nai - grandmother in chinese who is detected with lung cancer stage 4 & doctors have given a time of 3 months. In chinese if a person has cancer apparently  you can hide it from the patient and the doctors are OK with unlike US where it is illegal. So the entire clan descends in the pretext of wedding but actually to meet Nai Nai.


The movie is held together by Nai Nai & her grand daughter Billie, Zhao Shu Zhen(a Chinese actress) & Awkwafina (famous for Crazy Rich Asian & Kung Fu panda 4 - coming up). But it was Nai Nai - her expressions and bossiness as the head of the family, and her naughty chit chat with her grand children was the essential ingredient. Just loved her. Although she did not know that she has cancer she did everything to keep her spirits high and be healthy like the Tai Chi se would practice in broad daylight in the courtyard. Some people are embodiment of that ‘want to live whole heartedly / fully come what may and she was one of them. Maybe it’s a generational thing - most grand at least many grandmothers are feisty and full spirited and of course age defying.


The music & cinematography which beings out the melancholy of loss through it slow movement photography and long shots which in movie sets the mood and is so essential to suck you in. Both brought the effect of blurring the current and going into a space which is just our own - This is something I do when I just put my headphone and get lost in a world where there is no one else.


One of the recurring dream is based on a poetry I wrote for some one which ended with the line that let me just sink down to the bottom of the ocean and lie there with my eyes closed, it’s recurring thought which used to come to me for a long time in a phase and I would zone out from whatever I was doing and wherever I was. 


My father had cancer - he also embodied the same spirit of bringing family together and being the life of the party. In fact 5 days from now Jan 15th is when we celebrate Sankranti. The year he passed away he was quite weak but he still stood and made pithe for all of us - that is one of the last memory I have of him teaching me how to make the same. 


He enjoyed the life to the fullest even after cancer completing his bucket list.


Farewell. Baba. 

Postscript: The best part of the movie which is based on a true story (The last scene showed - Nai Nai is still alive & doing tai chi 8 years after she was detected with lunch cancer stage 4).

I came emotionally so close to Nai Nai that a big smile came to my face when I saw that :)


Momentary Disability

Many years back as part of my common purpose course we were visiting an NGO who created books and supported the blind. Run by a blind women who had faced challenge in reading she had started this to convert books into audio. 

As we reached the place, about 200 meters before the place we were all blindfolded with instructions on how to reach the place. Very simple - straight roads and turns / steps were mentioned. Since we were in a group and as it happens in group - iii becomes a kind of group challenge and it’s all fun because you know there are folks who will take care of u. 


Fact was that most of us did not reach - it sort of gave a peek into a blind person’s world. Yes we could connect immediately when our blindfold was removed and we met with children who were blind but they performed all tasks as if they were not - from moving around, cleaning their plates, keeping it in the right place and of course they performed in front all of us, some singing, some dancing, some presenting. 


Confident & Smiling. No Different from us


Cut to 7th January 23

With the last night of the family looming before Jo leave for Pilani we all stretched to 1 am partying my body clock woke me up at 5. And my body was tuned for my customary run on Sunday so I went ahead and did my 8K. Next day was airport drop so got up at 5, so again a short sleep for me and disturbed as well as due to frequent checking of alarm :(


Came home and realized that I was feeling a constant buzz on my left ear as if a bee was buzzing constantly. It was not momentary but constantly and continued for 2 days and 2 nights disrupting my day completely, I could not sleep properly a constant thought coming to me if my ears got damaged or how will it feel as I cannot enjoy my movies and songs properly & I have to go to a doctor etc. No amount of positive thinking, meditation helped.


For next few days It just overturned my life. I did not speak about it to others as I thought it will go away on it’s own and also I was not sure if the sound was really there as it was just my quirk. Once can explain stomach pain or fever but this….


Yesterday night after tossing and turning I took a sleeping pill and slept for seven and half hours and as per my sleep tracker I had a deep sleep of 41% which is more than double the normal night and when I got up the buzz was gone. 


I had to move my ear and try to listen more carefully and sort of moved around a bit to believe that I am back to reality. Like you pinch yourself to check if you are not dreaming.


The whole experience gave me a peek into disability or rather sudden disability - like you have an accident and your leg gets amputated or you go blind or lose your hearing. Those who are born with disability have time to get accustomed to it and there is a whole support system trying to bring them up to speed. It’s not that there life is less difficult but this suddenness is akin to moving into a black hole.


In a way it is similar to falling sick or getting to know that you have cancer and the only last milestone is death. Both my father who passed away & father in law who is still alive have gone / going through this. 


I am generally told that I overthink, I guess that’s why I write - to clear my head, but this was an experience worth recording. At mid 50’s you can get hit by curb ball any day. Unlike corporate life the only curb ball is health & family.


I am trying to make peace with both.


I have nowhere to go, no list to strike off and nothing to prove.